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Autumn…

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My heart has been restless and uneasy. A sense of boredom and stagnation has creeped in: “What’s next?” I ask myself.

Honestly, as much as of gratitude I hold for the gifts I have graciously received from Krsna, I equally feel a sense of discontent about the areas where I lack. This present stage feels like a dark womb, where there is nothing else except Krsna’s and my presence. I am vulnerable but I’m equally protected, and the one thread that has got me hanging mid-air is my faith in him.

The spiritual path is exactly like this. Most of the wisdom and soul awakening comes through transitional stages, where when the circumstances feel unfavorable, one relies on their faith and devotion.

 How far can I go? Maybe Krsna is testing me. He is playful and knows all my secrets. Maybe I’ve been serious for way too long.

Krsna teaches me to let go: let go of the desire to always work, and never stop by to enjoy the simple moments of life. I’m guilty of that. I work so much not because I feel pressured by someone outside of me, but because I genuinely love what I do.

I enjoy cooking simple meals. I enjoy creating artwork. I’m equally invested in home decor and architecture; hence I’ve been learning organisational skills and furniture design. I’m equally interested in gardening, crocheting, sewing, cleaning home, clay work, energy healing, yoga, herbology, writing blogs, etc.

Can I catch a damn break? I always drive myself to exhaustion by doing too much. My brain generates a constant influx of ideas, and I go so hard on myself by trying to fit in everything within 24 hours. Isn’t it an impractical way to live? Can one person do everything?

I might be a hard worker but I love slow style of living as well; the style where I’m not incessantly trying to rush through it all, but I’m also enjoying the experience it provided me.

Krsna taught me recently that my focus has to shift from the final product to the whole process. “Have romance with your process. Feel it! Slow it down! Let it take a little longer, but do not forget to enjoy the learning stage”, he says.

It’s not a new form of awareness for me. I already know it. But I’ve to consciously bring this to my attention everytime I start going overboard. 

I can become obsessed with my ideas, completely immersed in them, pursue them with laser focus attention. So I’ve to always stay mindful of my extreme behavior, because that imbalance starts showing up in my body.

The solution to all this is do one thing at a time, with full presence and mindfulness, so that my energy doesn’t get scattered.

If you have 10 things to do, don’t be thinking about the other 9 things when doing the first on your list. Get into a habit of keeping a notebook by your side- to write down ideas every time you receive one. The brain can get messed up if it keeps circling around the same thoughts for a long time, because you did not give them an outlet. Write in a way that it’s easier for you to comprehend them later upon reading. Additionally, do not put more responsibility on your shoulders than you can take.

Just because you naturally like doing stuffs and taking lead does not mean you’ve to take more on your plate than your capacity. You are not a superhuman (unless you actually are). You need food, sleep, relaxation, exercise, work in equal parts. All are important for your overall health. So do not ignore other aspects of your life in pursuit of just one thing.

When I sat in silence, I realised all this and saw through all the people who try to take more from me, whether emotionally or mentally. And then, I drew my boundaries up after an honest communication. I no longer feel like carrying people with me who don’t add anything valuable to my life. 

Valuable can either be material/mental/emotional/spiritual understanding. I do not keep anyone at pedestal, but I always look for someone who equals my energy. I know I give a lot to people I care about, but I also like to receive love, care and affection in a similar way. When someone around me starts draining my life-force (un)intentionally, and constantly triggers my psychological wounds, despite having a forthright conversation, I let them go.

Since I work hard, I only like people around me who I can build with; who take away some of my burden and help me, rather than adding their own burden to it. Sometimes I love being there for people, guiding them, boosting them up when they feel down, but that should not become a daily thing. 

Live your life! Complain, get angry and frustrated when you’ve been tough for a while and need a break. It’s valid to be angry, sad, hurt and tired. However, if that’s an every day story, some inner work and healing is required. 

I know I can be a great therapist and straight-shooter in pointing out what area someone needs to work on, to feel better in a wholesome way. Maybe I can do that some time; get raw and real about deep psychological stuffs with people. I have natural gift of being able to see everyone’s shadow self. But I don’t like playing therapist unless someone wants to work on themselves. Why to waste my energy on a perpetual complainer?

I can listen to people too, when they simply want me to be around, and express their emotions. But I need that gesture evenly when I feel down, and want someone to open upto. Should I be a shoulder to everyone and not need a shoulder myself? Utter bullshit! Extremely strong people fall apart too, and then they get back up again.

Lately, I’ve had this deep realisation that I can only be great friends with strong and driven people: who are balanced, know their true selves, and accept all of their parts. I can easily read through people’s intentions when they try to manipulate me, and I cut them off ruthlessly. Does that make me scary and less spiritual?

Who cares.

I’m me. I no longer label myself one thing or the other. I go along with what works my soul. If I ever feel I need to make a change, I bring that along because I practice pure truth with myself. I call myself out on my own shitty behavior when I spot it in the way of my soul’s evolution.

 I have been clearing space for new blessings in my life. I have been building and living my life gradually in a way that my benevolent ancestors would approve of. I’ve been making room for a better, healthier lifestyle where I take accountability for everything I involve myself in. New soul tribe needs to come in where we inspire each other to live our lives to the fullest.

Probably I need more patience!