In my earlier years, when I was quite co-dependent and didn’t know how to trust my intuitive nudges, I would often carry this “woe is me” and victim attitude, because almost everyone I met had used me in some form or the other, even the ones I had trusted the most with my heart. At that point, I was trying so hard to numb down my feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
I would often ask myself,”What is wrong with me? Why do people always hurt me? Am I fated to meet such people in my life? Is the whole world so cruel?” Valid questions, right? Due to certain exhausting events, I even underwent depression for three years.
However, now that I’m emotionally mature as a result of constantly doing inner work, and as I reflect on my past behavior, I extract so much wisdom and clarity from that stage. To some extent, yes! The people I met in my life previously used me for their benefit. Let’s state it as it is! But the main difference now is – I also see the problem with who I was in that phase, and what things I put up with even though they clearly trampled on my self-worth. The signs and the red flags were always present, and very evident, but I chose to ignore them because I didn’t know how to be comfortable with pain, my deep subconscious issues, fears…or rather the totality of my soul.
I wanted to cling on, trauma bond with people. Heck! Sometimes I thought codependency was the only way to prove the love and loyalty within a connection. I’m even talking about friendships here, and not just romantic love.
I have come a long way in terms of emotional growth. Who I was 4 years back, there’s a drastic change in retrospect.
I operate more with an open heart now. I communicate with everyone without having the fear that I will get hurt. Of course, it’s life. Sometimes we might face some challenges or friction, and I accept its existence. I don’t believe in pushing problems under the rug.
Few years back, I used to be afraid to address the issues. I would hold back my feelings, bottle them up, and carry resentment, pain, all around. I didn’t understand the value of healthy communication, and taking my time to point out what I was feeling, and how that matter could be resolved. I had this notion that I always need to act positive despite what was going on underneath, so that the people in my life don’t leave me.
But,I didn’t realise that I was already deluding myself that it was a sturdy foundation if I was simply faking my emotional state. If I can’t be honest and open about who I’m and what I feel, is that connection even an authentic one?
So one of the major lessons I carry now is be very clear about who I am, what I accept as well as “DON’T” accept in my life. I’m a naturally intuitive person, and I can mostly see within people’s masks, if I haven’t allowed my emotions to cloud my judgement. And no matter what I see, I just use that information to ask myself,”How does this person align with my soul’s purpose right now?”
I really take time to check in with my needs and desires. For example, I’m a very driven person about the kind of life I want to create. I barely need an external stimulus to motivate me. I get guided by my spirit team constantly. So, the kind of friendships I desire are the ones that teach me of esoteric wisdom, certain spiritual techniques that I’m unaware of, generate curiosity in me, or rather help me in a practical, financial way. And that’s what I offer in return too. I love giving advice to people when they need it, but only if they are going to act on it. Otherwise, I don’t waste my time and energy on people who are always complaining about their life and people in it.
Whatever connections show up in my life, I observe deeply what the other person requires to feel fulfilled within the partnership. I also make sure to ask them of their expectations in case they are open to a healthy conversation. And then I state how far and in what way can I meet them? I state my nature, how I like doing things, my personal boundaries, and check in with them if they can work with it? It’s always good to ask. That’s the core of building an effective communication.
Now remember, when we state our boundaries and intentions, not everyone is going to take it well. Some will be horrified at the audacity of our directness. But then, there’s little you can do about it. Most people can’t handle truth. They deem clarity as selfish behavior at times, because they are used to compromising within connectins and staying unhappy and bitter. But rarely do they realise that the truth which hurts them initially also teaches them the importance of considering boundaries, and frees them from the cycle of sneaky behavior and lies, because there’s no deception of intentions. Just make sure to express yourself with compassion, rather than rude speech. But beyond that, you are not really in control of how the other person takes the information.
Another point I always pay close attention to is people’s actions. Some people are highly crafty with their words. If a person can easily read into your psychological behavior, they also have the potential to manipulate you well, with their words and promises, unless you are grounded and balanced within yourself. Know your weaknesses, strengths, fears, low points, every corner of your soul and accept them with love, so that no one can use them against you. When you communicate, know where you are coming from, and have a firm understanding of why you are behaving a certain way. If you maintain that, it becomes a tad difficult to manipulate you, because you neither under or overestimate yourself. You just stick with what is! The reality!
Pay attention if the words of people in your life align with their actions. Is their just a little mismatch, or a huge gap? Do you find yourself capable to point out openly when they don’t live upto their promises? How do they react? Do they reflect on their behavior or gaslight you instead? Are they even open to the possibility of strengthening of the bond? Or do they assume that all is good even when clearly things don’t feel so alright? Are they perceptive and receptive? These are such important questions to ask within any kind of relationship. Depending on the answers, you get to decide your tolerance level of the person.
Not everyone likes to genuinely work on a connection. When an issue comes up, there’s more of blame and shame game, with very little accountability. Only when the duo is equally invested in making it work despite the odds, a resolution is reached. Sometimes people are unwilling to change the root of the problem. I advise in such cases to not push against the wave. Ask yourself,”Can I tolerate it? Or is it time that I let it go and walk away? Can I walk away in an amicable way, while still staying in the person’s life, helping them when I can ,but not attaching myself to them ? Or do I feel the need to completely leave because it’s too painful?”
There are different levels to how we can end a connection. Some things are too traumatic and we don’t want to stay around to experience it again. Sometimes taking a break is all we need to emotionally recover. Do all that you need to do, so that you can come back to your center, as a happy, healthy human.
Sometimes people in our lives hurt us, and we never get any apology from them. And honestly, no matter how heart-wrenching it is at times, we can’t really force them to apologise to us. We have to look for love and compassion within in those tough moments, to heal our hearts. Not an easy thing to do, for sure! But since, I’ve done it countless times, I know it’s so worth it, because I now know how to give love, validation, acceptance, nurture to myself, which I used to expect from others.
As a result of this, I only allow people in my life, who are equally willing to work on their emotional-self, when things don’t go as planned, where it’s not a co-dependent addiction. When you act in full integrity, you attract people who are similarly unfeigned. Even if you meet insincere people, it gradually becomes easier for you to detect the red flags, because you start dismissing all bullshit, and clearly stating what you want.
If someone makes you feel bad for having certain standards, they clearly are not meant to be in your life. Sometimes we all can fuck up within a connection, but it’s all about how beautifuly the conflict gets settled. But if there are frequent events of disharmony, misunderstanding and allegations, continuing with that connection isn’t healthy for either person involved. Sometimes it’s okay to understand that two people are so different that the common points bringing them together are very few. And there’s no one to blame, but it’s just the two see the world so differently. No one is right or wrong in that case. Just walk away or find the middle path of catching up once in a while. You can always decide the kind of dynamics you want within any relationship.
If someone is always set on misunderstanding you, it’s an exhausting chore to explain yourself everytime. You decide how far you can go with it. It’s like a cigarette, slowly suffocating your lungs.
Another important point: just the way you respect your boundaries and accept certain things in your life, you also have to respect the same for others. We all are different, moving, creating our destinies in a unique way. Just because you have the capacity to give more doesn’t mean the other person is ready to receive it, or they want the same things as you do.
When someone else clearly states their truth, accept it, rather than selfishly wanting them to be flexible to your needs. Accept people for who they are, whether they are emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually wise or not. If you can’t keep them in your inner circle, just let them be, wish them well, without causing needless friction and pushiness.
We don’t need to change anybody. We allow them to reveal their true nature and adjust accordingly. That’s the lesson we learn throughout our lives in terms of social expansion and inner growth. Wow! I think I’ve written enough about it. Hope you find sense and clarity in it. Much love to you all!