I’m grieving: grieving the loss of a connection near and dear to my heart; a connection that I had always known was hugely karmic in nature because I grew so much spiritually just by being in this connection. The person never taught me directly a single word, but the amount of karma I paid by being around him, the emotional healing, forgiveness lessons I had to learn were immense.
Talking about this itself is sensitive to me. The reason I haven’t fully moved out of this connection is because I know I still owe the person something in this physical world- no longer emotional/ mental ties, but very transactional and practical in nature, to completely dissolve the karma.
Ending relationships is not always black and white. Sometimes a certain connection mirrors back to us what we really need in order to feel loved, heard and seen. We start seeing all those places where we haven’t given love to our heart, where we are blocking ourselves, holding anger, resentment because something just doesn’t feel right. When we see all that, we set intentions about what we want next to come in. We prioritize our needs and desires. And then we be patient while waiting for that to step in our lives. Meanwhile, we continue focusing on our soul’s evolution.
I’m good at cutting people off where I don’t find equal reciprocation. But in few connections, I’ve to stay more strategic and diplomatic in terms of how I end them gradually. They don’t happen overnight because several factors are interconnected, but the realization definitely hits that something has ended internally, and there’s nothing left inside to give. And when that awareness comes, there also comes grief, the pain of letting go, meanwhile also forgiving the person involved for the emotional trauma they have caused.
I’m someone that doesn’t really hold grudge against people, and no matter who has hurt me where, I never wish bad upon them. But it definitely takes time to heal the anger, discontent, bitterness because they are very valid feelings. They make us human, and when we understand the root cause of it, we also begin understanding that we cannot latch onto them forever.
Even though it’s hard, at some point forgiveness has to be embraced, to release all the pain, the suffocation, the blockage in the heart.
Probably this is one of the most vulnerable posts I’ve ever written because my scorpio moon doesn’t feel comfortable be so open about my private life. But I feel this post was necessary today for my sake, for my emotional salvation, for me to forgive the person, for me to grieve as much as I have to, but also realize that some things are not meant to be, despite trying our best.
I cannot be exasperated and wounded because of someone forever. I’ve to forgive, reach a certain level of detachment, serve my karmic debt to that person till whenever Krsna intends and then leave with gratitude. That’s the ending I desire.
I’m actually thankful to that person in many ways because they indirectly illuminated me on how to be grounded and wise in my emotional body. I was so used to numbing my emotions 5 years back. But when this person came to my life, through presenting me extremely difficult challenges of abandonment, slight narcissism, emotional unavailability, selfishness, he triggered me to heal myself, because I was in the void and I had no option, but to fill my cup with self-love.
This person came at a point when I wasn’t emotionally mature. But he appeared as a teacher, to push me to embody my highest self. I’m still in the process of many things but I’ve also done tremendous inner-work because of those sentimental scars.
I’m becoming ready to forgive him, and move on when I see Krsna’s signal. I will stay on the lookout. But I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned in this connection, and there’s nothing more left to give and take. So, I will let this pain transform me into a more authentic expression of my soul.