This blog post might be a little on the raw side of sexuality, sensuality and scorpionic themes. I’m currently learning to be more expressive and open with my ideas and perceptions through my art and writing.
My moon is in Scorpio in the Anuradha nakshatra, sun in Cancer in Pushya nakshatra, and a major 12th house stellium in Leo (Magha nakshatra) with the tight conjunction of Mars, Venus and Mercury. Owing to these placements, I’m a highly passionate person with very intense emotions, drive and desires. However, these placements also lend me the inner nature of secrecy, solitude, and not wanting to be easily vulnerable.
Over years of inner work and trying to understand myself, I’ve realised that it’s not that I distrust everybody and don’t want to open up. But rather, I’ve a tough wall, and it would take a certain magical person to melt that invisible barrier outside my heart. I have strong fire and water in my birth chart, and possibly I channel that side mostly to my work. But when it comes to dealing with others, I predominantly show them my airy and earthy side: the logical, rational, balanced side of me, who has sorted out their emotions.
Probably, on many levels I do have my emotions sorted out, but beneath all that levelheadedness, I have a very fiery and watery nature, where I secretly wish to be seen and understood emotionally: some place where I can be raw, vulnerable, unbound about all my desires and passion; some place where the other person involved actually knows what I mean when I talk about something beyond normal spectrum. That’s very Scorpionic of me!
I can read people easily when I want to. If I am curious about somebody, I pay attention to the smallest of things they do and not do. I observe the things they talk about, the things they like and support on social media, how they act in public; I try to read the energy behind scenes; the psychological triggers; what fascinates them or makes them cringe. Does it sound stalkerish? Maybe! But for me, it’s simply the way to know somebody deeply and gather information, because it gives me a firm analysis of compatibility between us.
And honestly, I like someone who equally tries to study me deeply in a healthy way- uncover my layers one at a time, because that gives me the indication that they took their time to get to know me. It’s a love language for me.
I am very accepting of the duality that resides within us. I can be seriously obsessed with someone on some inexplicable octave, but I can still understand and accept that we are different in terms of our values, and may not work well together.
It’s a different story although if I become obsessed with someone, and the person actually turns out to be highly compatible with my inner nature. I may probably not hold myself back on an emotional level with that person, and be more colorful and direct about the topics which I never communicate with other people.
For all the years I’ve lived, I’ve always felt misunderstood and unseen by most of them around me. Only a few are able to fathom me energetically, emotionally, spiritually to an extent, and I’ve kind of made peace with that fact by now. If it happens, it’s good. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too. Probably this very feeling of deep loneliness pushed me on the path of spiritual evolution, where I learned to love and accept myself for who I am, and devote all that passion to Krsna.
In my past, I might have tried to look for that intensity in other people. It’s difficult to explain the level of intimacy I crave, but let me try to simplify. Two snakes coiling together and becoming one; owning each other’s soul in a good way, but aiming for higher consciousness through that union; Prakriti and Purusha coming together; a love that feels beyond the bodies and minds; seeking depth, but letting that enigma transform each other, and bring them closer to their ‘Atman’ and eventually to the Supreme.
I have not found anyone like that so far.
I have met people with whom I had my moon conjunct Pluto contact in synastry. Also, their moon fell in my 7th house, which is Pisces. I strangely feel very drawn to them. They may not be my usual type, but beyond those standards, I would feel their energy strongly in my bones. There have been some with whom I had my Mars, Venus conjunction in synastry. These kind of connections have been a little obsessive for me, and I wonder if I was projecting my inner desires on them mentally.
I never spoke to any of them about what was going on inside my heart, because duh! Scorpio tendencies to hide emotions. But whatever I felt for them never went away. I must have rationalized and taken a practical outlook on how to go about it, but even after the years passed, my feelings kind of never faded.
The plutonian contact connections were very intense for my heart, and since they were in contact with my moon, they brought up to my awareness my hidden emotional requirements- wanting to be seen, validated and intensely loved by my partner.
Since these desires have always lurked within my subconscious as they never got fulfilled, I might have subliminally projected these fantasies on the person who I was obsessed with – not hoping for anything in return, but simply for the sake of emotional stimulation. It doesn’t really matter to me how many feelings I have for someone and on what level; if there’s no action or even an honest communication to bare out the soul, I learn to let it go with grace.
Probably, it may still be in my awareness but I don’t value inaction from the person I’m interested in figuring out.
Having Leo Venus in my birth chart makes some of my love languages as words of appreciation, physical touch, sensual getaways, sweet, cozy but thoughtful gestures of love. But then being a Leo mars, I equally appreciate it when someone takes strong, bold actions for me beyond mere words. It’s a turn on!
I can easily say that I have a balance of masculine and feminine sides inside. When in public, I act more from my masculine side because I feel awkward showing my sensitive feminine side. Some traces may be visible, but a major chunk of it stays hidden. My femininity shows better in intimate settings, when I see someone has taken the time to love and nurture me intentionally, with full devotion and attention.
However, I still have many layers till one reaches my soft core. Maybe it’s a protection mechanism. I’m not scared of being hurt but maybe scared of being misinterpreted. It feels really heart-wrenching when you are up there revealing your soul to the other person, but their love language and communication style is so different that your message just doesn’t get through.
Then it becomes either an ego battle, miscommunication or a cold response to something delicate. I can read it energetically: how much someone is willing to dive in deep into things which matter to me. If their interest seems fake or superficial, I don’t waste my efforts over- explaining how I feel.
I think I’ve kind of become okay with this aspect over time; maybe it’s not my path to meet someone who would understand me in human ways. Maybe it still is my path, but I don’t need to care about that much, and simply stay detached and focused on my dharma. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to surrender to Krsna because he knows me for all that I have been right from the start.
Probably the hole, the emptiness and loneliness which I felt years back and maybe slightly feel now and then, is not meant to be filled by any human. And this has allowed my idea of love to transcend by seeing a husband in Krsna.
This might sound odd and maddening to someone who has never experienced the life-long loneliness my heart has gone through. The closeness I look for is not superficial. It’s a piercing and purifying involvement. The kind of love or connection where I get to say,” I had been looking for you all my life, and now I know what I was missing”.
When I was desperately looking for that soul intimacy in someone outside, I had drifted to a very dark place of codependency, addiction, depression, feeling unbalanced, losing my will to live, not seeing my purpose in life.
But when I filled that huge hole in my heart with the love of Krsna, I got initiated to a totally opposite path- from hopelessness to feeling super-grounded, living aligned with my destiny and higher calling, accepting human connections for what they are, cultivating healthy detachment, etc.
I realized that a powerful love can really bring huge change within the hearts of the people involved. Love doesn’t pull you down, but it inspires you to constantly evolve in connection with the divine.
So, I don’t fully agree with the idea of “falling in love”. There’s no falling, but a desire to dance, to rise up in love because both beings understand each other’s beauty and want to bring out the best in each other. There’s a time to be more expressive about each other’s trauma and pain, but beyond that, love is also expansive, liberating and timeless.
I don’t feel that the love which is simply based on trauma-sharing is healthy, because how long can you go about discussing pain? Once you have reached the threshold, there has to be some transformation otherwise it will stagnate. The kind of love where both people have shared values, have a similar love language, and have an acceptance, hold space for each other’s ego, and encourage to be absolutely authentic is gold.
And I haven’t found that in any human connection I have had so far. But in Krsna I found it. Probably, that’s why I have stopped needing anyone to fill me up.
I mostly operate on my masculine side to cloak up my soft side, but when it comes to love, I like it when I’m allowed to take my feminine side, where I receive warmth, intimacy, care; where I’m allowed to act like a child from time to time; where I’m spoiled with sweet gestures. When I notice that someone is putting thoughtful efforts in loving me, I naturally go in my generous mode, and feel like giving more of my time and attention in making them feel special.
But when someone doesn’t try to understand and observe my love language, and wants me to over-explain my needs, and yet not do much about it, I go back in my shell emotionally: being outwardly present with the person but deep inside feeling aloof and uninterested.
My love for Krsna is on the line of Bhakti and Tantra. Ever since I focused on connecting to him personally, my creative gifts have exploded. I feel like doing Shringaar, nurturing my feminine side, because I want to please him, make myself look beautiful for him.
I kind of feel that covertly most of the women desire to be praised, appreciated, loved for their beauty by their partners, the one who they have devoted their hearts to. If somehow she has become disconnected from that aspect of hers, it’s probably because someone made her feel unseen/unloved whether within her family/friends or her partner, or she had become too wrapped up in her responsibilities that she isn’t able to find time to nurture herself.
Looking after and beautifying one’s body is an art of patience and deep intimacy with oneself. When we as women adorn ourselves, we ask ,”Who are we doing it for?”
Probably the answer “myself” doesn’t always feel enough. I might go lazy if I am simply doing it for myself. But I might want to look good for someone special, to be in my seductive and sensual element to catch their eye, and feel desirable.
I really see partnership and love as a healthy form of worship, passion, pure emotions, loyalty and respect for each other. I know that the Leo quality within me would treat the better half like a king with undying love, provided I receive the same.
And since I have never really met a person who brings out my surrendered feminine energy, I chose a long time back to offer that place in my heart to Krsna, for he is perfect to me. He gets all of me, without any exception. I can cry, be childish when I want to, spoil him with all my love and devotion all that I want to, or be too work-obsessed, deep in my mental energy and not pay much attention to him, and I would still be accepted by him.
I see him as my eternal lover who now occupies something inaccessible inside me which will never go away. For years, the lack of deep emotional/passionate love from someone else made me dry from inside out. I despised my body and felt maybe, I didn’t deserve love. I used to doubt if I was attractive enough.
But now that I offer my body, mind and soul to Krsna, I have a different kind of confidence within myself. I know who I am. I know what I need. I know that I’m attractive and the qualities I possess, and the facets that I need to work on. It’s a different kind of power that I walk in, because I feel loved by him.
I usually don’t write and share such stuff because I rationalize my own emotions at times, and stay stoic for the discomfort of vulnerability. But I’m learning; this is another form of strength too- to be completely genuine in one’s creative expression.
If I put a lid on all my intensity, I might take away a huge chunk of who I am and who I’ve the potential to be. So I’m working on bringing out my feminine side through all mediums of creativity, and not always being practical and sorted.